Marlo & Shuffle T vs. Dirtbag Dan & Caustic [Lyrics]

[Round 1: Marlo & Shuffle-T]

Fuck the U.K. ! Fuck the monarchy!
Fuck tea! Fuck the fuckin’ NHS!
Having a Prime Minister is gay and our accents a joke
Daniel we know
We just covered 99 percent of the angles you wrote
Cuz when you’re against international opponents
You’re never direct with your lines
Instead you rely on every cliché that exemplifies
The well-known nation from where they reside
If we were from The Federated States of Micronesia
The fuck would you say, Dan? You’d have a terrible time
You need to stop depending on stereotypes
You fat, gun-toting American guy
And after recycling his leftovers from Deffinition
They’re gonna call us homosexual, there’s a given
So we thought we can make this more interesting
And came up with a clever system
Every time they say that we are gay and don’t have sex with women
We’ll add another bar to our third round about Dans Dad’s meth addition
You’re both called Dan, thanks for the name flip opportunities
It’s Dan and Dan
And even the and in Dan and Dan is an anagram of Dan
So really it’s Dan and an anagram of Dan and Dan
AKA Dan, Dan Dan
Dan, Dan, Daaaan! Dan, Dan, Dan…
This Daniel here is so excited about this
He’s the only person here who has been calling this match great
When he got it confirmed he lifted up Caustic like Pat Stay
His wife cooked him a big old breakfast this morning with ham steaks
And all four of our faces drawn in the pancakes
The caption underneath in powdered sugar read
“Hope you all have a grand day”
In preparation for today, this dude created a mood playlist
Of tunes and named it “The Shufflo Vibes”
It’s literally “Happy” by Pharrell Williams duplicated a hundred times
But let’s be real, we’re grateful to be on the West Coast
You’ve got to laugh, most of the battles here today are proper hard
These people here have paid and they want some bars
And somehow us ridiculous comic marks
Have got the part at an event in which Diz, Verb and Hoffa star?
What the fuck? Yo, Lush, listen
Thanks a million, but you’re a bad magician, this is not our card
Surely this is a purely big mistake
As soon as you got the flights paid for we knew something was up, dude
Surely now no one with any money will trust you
I can imagine him and Lush sitting just buzzing on mushrooms
As soon as they hit confirm payment they went
“The fuck did we just do?”
And Caustic what the hell are you doing? You’re battling with Dirtbag Dan
I think you’ve hit your head, you know? You’re battling with Dirtbag Dan!
That’s a bigger risk than wearing those
Did you not see the flyer? Did it not click that this was set in stone?
I know they call you the career ender
I just didn’t think they meant your own
Caustic is so pissed, what the fuck are you doing here, Mr. Serious?
What were you smoking?
I can imagine when the trailer dropped and he watched the whole thing He called up Dirt like, “Oh man, I kind of thought you were joking”
Mate, you didn’t think this through a damn bit
Dan’s shit, trust me you can’t lift this human baggage
And you know the kind of shit we pull
Just silly kookie antics, fuckin’ immature dramatics
This battle will destroy the image you’ve established
Let’s take your interview with Rap Grid
You just battled Aye Verb, you said you wanted Big T
Shit you even hinted moves to Patrick
You’re a serious dude and that’s it
But I guess in a room with Dan it’s simple who the man is
So now you’re battling us
Two nincompoops with wack kicks who sniff the boot and rap sick
Just some kids who grew up acting and switched to do some rapping
We’re so incredibly overrated there’s no sense in us going places
And all that’s left we’re going to say is, Caustic this is who you’re battling!

[Round 1: Caustic & Dirtbag Dan]

You know what rhymes with Marlo and Shuffle-T? Ah no, no no
You know what? I don’t think we’re gonna do that
What the fuck, man? Go ahead, you fuckin’ go
Already fuckin’ this shit up, go ahead
Yo, you wanna know what rhymes with Marlo and Shuffle-T?
None of y’all can fuck with me
Before I murdered Verb I was a certified vet
But I’m white and I’m funny so I don’t get any respect
I say fuck that shit, I tried way less than Verb did in the end
They only book my ass to ruin the integrity of the event
The second he stepped on that stage, he was already dead
I saw the bitch in his eyes, that’s how I knew I got in his head
And Illmac about to stomp his ass with the pen
And if Verb got a problem with what I said, tell him to drink some fuckin’ Water before you end up in fuckin’ hospital again bitch
Hey, if you’re gonna get on your Verb shit, I’ma get on my bird shit
Cuz y’all both white, like bird shit
I’ll get the drop on ‘em, like bird shit
You fuck around with me you’ll end up all over the news like bird shit
Yo you keep droppin’ all this bird shit
You’re gonna get the fuckin’ bird flu like Verb did
Fuck that shit, I came to take your head like a trophy, T
How it’s supposed to be
Watch a British bitch get fucked on cam like Sophie Dee
I watch porno too, right after my wife goes to sleep
You know you fucked up when you accepted those flights?
You know how close this is to Mexico, right?
You’ll learn lessons in life if you get through the night
Shit, you fuck around with me you’ll get Jefferson Price’d
You know what happened to Jefferson Price?
He got slapped by that fat bitch and it ended his life
Marlo’s bitch look just life Jefferson’s wife
To fuck he gotta lift the coochie fat
While you’re out of town she got your homies at the place
Putting cream on her face like a Gucci tat
She barely let you fuck missionary
They got the cameras out and the lights on
Filming British movies after she open her snatch
They give her the Full Monty Python
Yo I said I’m good in the hood, I know L.A. crooks
They let this British fairy come all the way out to L.A. shook
I choke you in front of everybody, I’ll let L.A. look
I’ll put him in that super mega hold, (what’s that?) that’s L.A. Looks
Which one of these fuckers are you talking to? Combover or DoctorWho?
What the fuck is a Doctor Who? You know? Fuckin’ Doctor Who
Doctor Who like Chinese dude on sauce in Doctor Who (?)
No, Doctor Who, it’s a TV show on the BBC, dude with the Tardis
There’s a BBB show about a Chinese dude who’s retarded?
No Caustic, if there was, I would totally watch it
Look that’s way off topic, stay by us
No I said we’re Californian, I need you to stay bias
Plus, we’ve got these big beautiful beards
And they’ve got facial hair like fuckin’ gay pirates
Hey, these faggots think that they invented multis
You come from the wrong scene
These fuckin’ bizarre dweebs have been fuckin’ with our steez
It’s nothing for one of us to get hundreds of long schemes
But the trouble with that Shuffle is what do the bars mean?
I’m tryin’ to make a sonnet to tug at your heartstrings
You’re trying to force multis, some of them aren’t clean
So if you’re going to take your whole fuckin’ shit from the WRCs
Try to limit it to a couple of bars, please
[Round 2: Marlo & Shuffle-T]

I loved all that over-performing like fuckin’ acting shit
And I love the fact that in that vlog you said you weren’t practicing
Yo, Soul fuckin’ K.O.’ed you, mate, sorry guys
I know how the past is one thing
But Soul mowed down his ass with one swing
Thrown out for harmful punching
And if you hear different, it’s like music trivia, No Doubt Stefani’s frontin’
Alright look maybe that day’s a little fuzzy in my memory
But back at home him exposing Jeff is still by some considered treachery
But tell the truth, Caustic
It meant more than a battle to you when you dumped the shit on Jeffy P
It was nothing personal
He’s just incredibly morally upstanding when it comes to infidelity
And it’s not just Caustic’s performance that causes divorces
He writes down the stuff that you’ve been doing in his book of sins
Then tells your girl what you’ve been doing in the bulletin
She starts crying eating straight out of a pudding tin as he breads her hair Like, “I said you were too good for him”
Ask any chick in the place
They’ll tell you who’s really the biggest snitch in the game
It’s not the biggest breakage of the bro code that’s been done
You start hanging around them at first he seems totally fun
Then he finds out that one of his homies in love
Then he starts wearing a fuckin’ wire when he goes to the club
And his boy’s telling a story like
“So she pouts her cheeks says she’s gonna go down on me”
And then Caustic chimes in like
“Whoa, that’s sweet, say it again just a little bit louder please”
Look at this fuckin’ guy, you must live like a slob I’m sure
You’re the type to order a plasma screen to your crib
And set it up on the floor
I bet you’ve got two microwaves, one that doesn’t work at all
And one that only works when you hold the door
And Dan thinks he’ll be remembered for the lyrics in his tunes
I think that’s really cute
But you’re a long way away from a hit single with some views
So it’s a massive fuckin’ stretch to think that things will look up soon
Trying to make that Dream Work but boy you’re fishing from the moon
Now when you’re up on stage, battling saying something amusing
Telling the guy that you’re against that he’s ugly and stupid
And you remember you had dreams of being loved for your music
Do you ever stop and think to yourself, “What the fuck am I doing?”
What is proper depressing is when the family dog catches you jackin’ off And you have to sulk like, “God, I’m pathetic”
We sent Dan a vlog to be used in his podcast
Then, get this, the bit we filmed was dubbed with the wrong stuff
You got us!
And then Dan was like “Yeah!
Think you can come on my show and talk that kind of smack to me?”
Oh yeah, cuz with your millions of viewers
We would have really caused some damage, D
The numbers that watched your show so strongly scared and baffled me
I had to email our original footage to all 12 of them, manually
But let’s switch this shit, it’s the British kids, English pricks
Home of Rizzle Kicks, Little Mix, Wiz and Scizz, and fish and chips
Really weird things to list but keep going Shuffle mate stick with it
We’re taking over your judicial shit like the American colonies at 1766
You like that random historical reference? That’s a rhetorical question
We got this in the palm of our hands
We’re just spinnin’ it in our finger tips
The battle clowns can still hammer down
We make standing out our initiative
So the Cali crowd can gather round as the West Coast witnesses
The Red Coats in this flick like the dress code of Schindler’s List

[Round 2: Caustic & Dirtbag Dan]

I understand, to be a battler these days you don’t need to be
Part of the music biz or have any concept of what music is
But where do we draw the line with this stupid shit?
There’s a difference between us spitting bars & you two talking in unison
You’re not even fucking battle rappers
You’re free-form speech enthusiasts
You’re battle actors, you don’t even fuckin’ rap
You do sketch comedy and you suck at that
Don’t Flop put you on but off top that’s a bad decision
Like one of Lush’s hats
Shit, at least it wasn’t one of Aspect’s fuckin’ ugly-ass bucket hats
Lookin’ like ScHoolboy tool, what the fuck is that?
I mean honestly I think it’s kinda tight the way Shuffle recites his bars
And then Marlo comes in and says something kinda smart
But the reality is y’all spend less time apart
Than pussy lips when vaginas fart
We some veterans believe it, so we’re not threatened by your secrets
I mean the delivery’s kind of clever but the setups aren’t as seamless
No wonder your bars always seem to sounds better in a sequence
But whenever you’re not together
Everyone remembers that you’re English
That’s why y’all pale in comparison, no y’all pale in comparison
It’s embarrassing, makes me wish I had melanin I could share with ‘em
I tell you what, here’s a travel tip
Head up to CBS, get some sun tan lotion, smother that shit
Make sure you get on baldy’s forehead real good
Cuz his wispy-ass bangs don’t cover that shit
Marlo’s basically a fuckin’ heretic
Cuz he fuckin’ lies about where his hair exists
If you’re really not embarrassed, bitch
Why don’t you lift up that cheap-ass toupee and show us where it is?
Woop! There it is!
More travel tips
Make sure you collect your miles from that airline when you get back
And make sure you let the stewardess know
That your hairline suffers from jetlag
It looks like your forehead made the trip but your hairline got left back
And no Mexico, but if you started sweating right now
You’d have a wet back
At least I’m not going to be a hype man for the rest of my life, dawg
It’s ironic Marlo’s whiter than a Q-Tip
And he’s forever Shuffle-T’s Phife Dawg
I’m on my Spy vs. Spy shit
I’ll rig his cell so when he answer his phone it blow up like a side chick
I can see into your future Marlo, I’m a mothafuckin’ psychic
You lucky that T mobile cuz he only known for the sidekick
Y’all like the Nicole Richie and Paris type
Nah, the Cameron and Ferris type
Kinda like a pirate with a parrot type
Bottom feeding, talent leeching personality parasite
That’s why we only listen to what Shuffle’s saying
A Marlo battle is like a poker game
If you don’t see a good Shuffle, it’s not worth playing
What the fuck does Marlo even bring to the table?
At least Shuffle’s a character
He’s got the bars, the charisma, the striking good looks
And what has Marlo got? A fuckin’ free trip to America
We could go on forever with these Marlo bars
Because everybody likes Shuffle more
But it’s getting old playing games with Marlo I bet Shuffle bored
Yo, y’all are supposed to be best friends?
How many times you tried to fight each other?
I feel like me and Caustic are better friends
And most of the time we don’t even like each other
I still got his back just like a brother
And I’m down to scrap if Dan’s ever got in some trouble
But wait a minute
What would it look like if Marlo and Shuffle ever got in a scuffle?

[Round 3: Marlo & Shuffle-T]

Dissing me for bolding blatantly
Cuz you wished that your ginger wife actually shared the same fate as me
You’re right, I am a speech enthusiast and it’s never fiction
It’s more like your Dad cuz when I rap my meth addiction
(method diction)
Lush assured us that we were gonna get plenty of ass on the West Coast
Even went as far as to offer us his family members
Well since our plane landed, you will not believe the action we’re tasting
I met a chick yesterday at (?) station
Her rack was amazing and she was Asian
We started chatting away and she asked me back to her place
Cuz she needed some help getting her mattress inflated
Anyway, I showed her a picture of my girlfriend & said I’m happily taken
She started backing away then gave me a double thumbs up
And started randomly waving… Cali’s amazing
Especially when you’re as awesome as this
Yesterday went to talk to a chick, awkward as shit
Four minutes in, boring the bitch
But let’s just say, the oral was sick
By which I mean she was orally sick
Caustic ya prick!
You look like you’ve been drawing your beard on with a marker tip
Your facial hair is worse than Marlo’s is
You look like John Turturro in Barton Fink
If he went apple bobbing in a barber’s sink
Hey Dan, great performance against Charlie Clips
Fuckin’ idiot! It was the total opposite
The only bit I liked from that chokathon was this
Seven minutes 17 seconds, go and watch the clip
You go to bop his fist but he don’t respond with his
So you just hang for a second and drop pathetically
Like Wile E. Coyote floating off the cliff
And that rejection probably sent him into seething pain
Cuz being self-obsessed is in his DNA
And guess what America? I’m not gonna rhyme that with Aaliyah’s plane
Why does everybody keep rhyming shit with Aaliyah’s plane?
That was 13 fuckin’ years ago that scheme is played
Stop bringing it up or you’ll be going down, like Aaliyah’s plane
Now I didn’t want to be the one to pass the message
But you’re both getting old and you can’t accept it
You still getting on your little skateboards, Dan? Still trying to shred it?
You can’t really go on a skateboard anymore can you?
You’re far too heavy, that’s why I said it
Both of them are trying to grab on to their youthful cheer
Dan uses slang he doesn’t know hasn’t been used for years
Walks up like “What’s up daddio? What’s the scoop in here?
You guys have been out skateboarding? TUBULAR!”
And your music video to “Concentrate” you got that shit poppin’, Dan
You’ve even got Caustic downing a beer at the end
And then he flips off the cam
Yeah, you’ve still got it, lads
That’s why Dan’s our biggest supporter at nearly 33
It started off on his show just kind of inadvertently
But now he’s basically like our really pushy parent
Enforcing the strictest work regime
“Come on guys, that really fuckin’ didn’t work for me
This is our fifth rehearsal week, let’s see a big of urgency”
Every battle that we’re in he’s standing in the wing
Goes all Joe Jackson with a stick if we’re not spitting perfectly
He waves his fist frustrated if we skip a word
Cuz he thinks we did it purposefully
And then his face goes like Anchorman’s son, a little Burgundy
The last time a parent pushed me that hard she was in a surgery
Lying on her back fuckin’ giving birth to me
He watches over us like we’re kids in nursery
Trying to use us only soul to live out his disturbing dream
Stop trying to recapture your youth through us you sick, perverted freak
Cuz we’re fighting back this time like a Prince of Persia scene
How’s it going, Pinocchio? Fuckin’ nose like a Toblerone
You need a reality check if you’re planning again to go in exposing mode
I mean if every single fuckin week your own kid’s at home exposed to you
Stoned on ya homie’s show or posing drunk before a battle
Trying to pose like it’s totally dope
You need to question as a parent if you’ve shown him the ropes
You know?
Cuz your role model levels, lower than poRICH’s vocal tone
This is the guy they call the career ender
More like the fuckin’ tattletale who’ll say anything to get them to listen
Caustic brings up your alleged convictions
And then he’ll sketch a description so that a sentence is given
But it’s not detention or prison, it’s dealt in a written
And even two posh guys from Reading in Britain can tell that it’s snitchin’
It’s as if all he’s doing is embellishing wisdom
But he brought up the way Jeffy was living
So attention was driven from his own tensions with women
You ignore your own problems by taking your enemies shit
And exposing them in an instance
But he’s developed addiction
Worse than Dirtbag’s Dad with his meth in the kitchen
You ever think they way you act with leave effects on your infant?
Like he won’t see Daddy doing drugs and remember it hit him?
Though he thinks he dealing justice that’s just his devils within him
Trying to find a place to hide away from his own pathetic existence
And whilst we’re here, on the West Coast
In neutral grounds, in the Western Contingent
We thought we’d put our diplomatic ties to work
Cuz frankly all this silly international bother
Has got us sad and kind of hurt
So before Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan and Dan recite their third
Organik, we want to put this Don’t Flop spat behind us first
Shuffle! What’s that you have inside your shirt? A peace treaty!
Gee, really? And it’s signed by Eurgh… Whoa!
Now Dizaster, this isn’t laminated and it’s our only copy
So if you can oblige, sir
Now Organik, fuck it, Lush
If you can sign here, we can have a night of mirth
And some fireworks, sorted, BOLA, The war is over Woo!

[Round 3: Caustic & Dirtbag Dan]

These fuckin’ 90-pound pussies talking real greezy
You better be ready to turn up
You do fuckin’ three minutes about me and Jeff
And then you start bringing his girl up
Yo, if you bring up my fuckin’ son I’ma punch you in your nuts
Do you follow soccer, by the way?
No, you should have wore your World Cup
These fuckin’ queens did a battle
Where they licked the cream out of Oreos
That shit wouldn’t be gayer
If you filmed the whole thing through a glory hole
You just do whatever Eurgh tells you to, honestly, what the fuck for?
Sure, Shuffle can get the cream off a cookie faster
We both know which one of you sucks more
So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
Y’all just ate the middle of the cookie?
I don’t think that’s the way it should be
Bunch of white guys eating the white part of the cookie?
I don’t know, that shit sounds pretty fuckin’ racist to me
Well I bought some Oreos today and I’ve got just the plan
Let’s do a web redemption since we’re up on cam
Before we finish this round
One of you eats one of these fuckin’ cookies like a fuckin’ man
Anybody? Cookie? Biscuit? Biscuits?
And y’all trying to be the fuckin’ champs?
Shit, Peter and Greg will put y’all to shame
Look it’s Adam and Theo… more like Adam and the old ball and chain
Yo, I can’t wait for the day your little relationship finally ends
Cuz one would die without the other
You’re basically fuckin’ Siamese friends
Is this how you wanna spend the rest of your future?
Your fuckin best friend’s a loser, a desperate moocher
Surviving off your talent and your sense of humor
This is Hollywood, Shuffle I brought you out here to make maneuvers
I’ve been to that shitty country you’re from
I know you want to escape your future
Your father basically lives at the pub
But you can’t blame him for being a daytime boozer
Cuz your mom’s a typical British bitch
She got big old tits with a face like Cruger’s
That’s cuz her ancestors are incesters
That’s the problem with your country, fam
Your aunt’s father’s were in sisters
So your Grandmother looks like a fuckin’ man
Wait a minute, Dan
Since we’re battling British kids don’t you think we should put it in
Some shit they can understand?
Okay, Shuffle’s Nan has supple cans but her face resembles Russell Brand
That’s fuckin’ disgusting, you couldn’t pay me to stuff her clam
Don’t be in such a rush now, Dan, I mean on the other hand
A nice guy like me could stomach Shuffle’s nan
For a couple grand I’ll fuckin fuck the bitch
Dressed like I’m fuckin’ Uncle Sam
America! Fuck yeah!
You’ll hear the rockets red glare when they cockin’ and spray
It’s a revolution so when it’s party time
I’ma throw T off the Dock Of The Bay
I’m like Daniel Boone when those cannons boom
I’m like Davy Crockett when I wave these rockets
I’m like George Washington when I…
Dan, you’re not fuckin’ George Washington, you sound crazy stop it
This hyper America bullshit is fuckin’ way too obnoxious
Fuck that shit, Caustic
They used to fear the beard, I lose a couple battles and now I’m doubted?
It’s like y’all forgot who burned down Ness Lee’s house
Just so I could write a fuckin’ round about it
You beat us in a dream you better wake up and apologize
He’s holding back your character, you basically Han Solo in the carbonite
You couldn’t walk a mile in his shoes
You couldn’t fill an inch of his condom size
It’s like without Shuffle the entire operation is compromised
It’s pretty safe to say I know where the problem lies
Cuz without you one of ‘em will not survive
I’ma give you a minute to let that sink into your head like Marlo’s eyes
Basically, as far as them bars go, me and Caustic got stripes like a barcode
People in the back are like, “Why didn’t they write more Shuffle bars?”
Well that’s easy, cuz Shuffle’s fuckin’ awesome, dude
Fuck you, Marlo!

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